I am so discusted with myself, I am bigger than I've been in over 3 years! I just cannot stop eating! It seems the harder I try to cut back, the more I eat! I pack my house with fruits and veggies but instead opt for high cal stuff. I tried eating lean cuisines with veggies for a filler but than turn around less than an hour later and eat the most fattening thing I can find in the house! I am just so out of control and I am really trying hard to change but it seems the harder I try, the worse I get! I really need to figure something out, I have got to stop this!

Well yesterday I went back to dance class, I was so out of practice I had to go back to the basics though, so I'm starting from scratch! Kinda unfortunate but I guess thats what happens. Today I went to the gym and worked my butt off, I finally got back to my old routine but it wasn't easy, I'm beat! Well anyways, I'm just taking it one day at a time.

Well, last night I didn't make it to class but I went out with Danny and a friend. This friend of mine happens to be really skinny and I am super jelous of her. We spent all of high school competing for guys and she always won! Shes single so we took her out to meet someone and 2 or 3 guys walked up to us and asked us if we were single, I said "I'm not, but she is" and they all walked away! They didn't want her, they wanted me! I am very happy with Danny but sometimes its nice to know that being skinny isn't everything!

Well I know I haven't blogged in over a month, I gained all the weight back I lost, and I left some people wondering if they'd ever hear from me again. I went to several doctors to find out what was wrong with me and just got a diagnosis this Monday, simply a viral infection. No high blood pressure, no diabetes! I'm still not recovered 100% but I think I might go to dance class tonight for the first time since December. I haven't been going to the gym because all I can do anymore is ride the bike. I might not even fair out too well in class but I miss my friends! Congradutions to all the MPM winners! So whos still out there anyway? I still log in everyday to check things out, I just haven't been typing! I tell ya, I have been eating nothing but junk food I know its bad, but its sooooo good! I just can't seem to get back on track. I wish I could afford to go to a place like the Biggest Loser Ranch for awhile, I think that might be the only way I'll lose this last 25 pounds! I really hope I'll be inspired in class tonight! I'm really going to try to start posting again because I think It really kept me motived, hearing all your kind words of wisdom. Everyday I tell myself I'm going to eat right and exercise and it just hasn't been working out. I'm also thinking of getting a healthy, good cookbook, LIke the Biggest Loser Cookbook, because I lost weight and I can lose weight eating salads and veggies for weeks at a time but thats not satisfying after awhile and I turn back to the junk food. I need to do like the chef says and learn to make healthier versions of my favorite food so I don't go back to "junk" food! I mean I'm not a really "bad" eater I don't set in front of the TV and eat bon bons, bags of potatoe chips or cookies. But I am Mexican and Italian so I eat alot of carbs and rich foods. I have atleast 1 large flour tortillia and I'd say about 1-3 cups of cheese a day! I love cream based pasta and of course pizza. My biggest American weakness I would have to say is Hot wings! For the past month, thats what my diet has been, Mexican, pasta, pizza, and hot wings! I have been eating so much of it, the night before last I actually got sick of mexican food, I only ate a couple bites and I was done. Than last night I got sick of pizza, I was done after 2 peices! Anyways, I plan on trying to get back on track! Good Luck to all of you still out there, let me know how you have been!

I stiil don't feel well, constantly tired and still no awnsers! All I know is my sugar is up and down, I have sugar in my urine, my blood pressure is up and down, and my liver enzymes are high. But still no diagnosis. I went to see a new doctor last week twice. The second day I saw him I wasn't feeling well at all, I felt so horrible I cancelled my visit with my son because I was afraid I was going to pass out while we were alone and I have never cancelled a visit!  Sure enough as soon as I got in the doctors office I did pass out, when I came to he told me to see my phsyciatirist. He told me its all in my head! So even though I don't feel well I'm second guessing myself, could I be the one making myself sick? Is it really all in my head? If it is just in my head why is my blood work so messed up? I went to see another new doctor today, he told me if I'm tired I should sleep, but I can't sleep my life away. The only thing I can think to do is to test and push myself. I'm going to try to stay awake for as long as possible durring the day and make myself go to the gym. I'm also going to try eating right again. I really let my diet go the past few days, the least I can do is try to eat right!

I crawled out of my death bed and went to the gym today, not only am I super proud of myself, I feel lots better and my blood pressure went down! I didn't work extra hard, I only burned 500 calories. I only ate 800 calories though. I don't really know weather to be more worried about my blood pressure or blood sugar, they can both put me in serious danger. I have congenital heart disease, I really hope I don't have to get another surgery. If I was told get surgery or die, I'd probably choose death. If I had been asked when I was 8 weeks old weather I wanted surgery or death I would have told them death. I mean I'm alive but I really don't have that great a quality of life, I'm functional, but really I'm just a debt to society. I live off of taxpayers and I can barely keep house. I mean what good am I? No, I'm not depressed, I'm just telling it how it is! I am in a perfectly good mood. I have never planned on living to be an old woman. Maybe I'm getting a little ahaed of myself, I mean, the doctors are very limited in what they know at this point, I could be perfectly fine, I'm just saying how I feel.

Well, I really thought I was on my death bed the past couple of days. My sugar and blood pressure are acting up but today I am feeling much better. Last night I went to my gramps and checked my blood sugar and blood pressure though. My sugar was 67, kinda low. My blood pressure was 132/86, kinda high. I don't think its anything life threatening though. This morning I actually had a little bit of an appetite but I didn't want to get too crazy so I had a cup of strawberries and a very small omelet. They say specially when your diabetic you should have several small meals, so I didn't want to get full but I am comfortable. If I get hungry in a little while I'll have a snack. Actually this illness has been good for me weight wise, I am down to 137! And its given me a real reality check about what I stick in my mouth. I never thought a cookie could kill you but I guess when your diabetic it can! If I feel this good tomorrow, I'd like to atleast go walk the track. Anyways, thank you all so much for your concern. I'll let you know what the dr says Tues.

I am so weak I can barely get out of bed, I went to the American Diabetes Association website, and they didn't offer any suggestions. I am so tired I physically can only get out of bed for just a few minutes a day. I've tried eliminating carbs for right now, but I don't get into the doctor till Tuesday. Any suggestions would be helpful. I have gotten my weight back down to 138 after my big binge though, I'm grateful for that. I'm so exausted.

Well, I got the worse news in my life last night, I'm Diabetic! Not only that I have High Blood Pressure! I am only 27, I'm too young to die. For those of you that have been diabetic for awhile, you probably think I'm being a little melodramatic about this but I am truly devestated! To me diabetes is like a cancer, eventually it will kill me! Acually I think I'd prefer having cancer over diabetes, thats how strongly I feel about it. I truly feel I just got a death sentence. I know controling your diet and exercising helps and they'll give me medicine, but I am so young. I never pictured myself growing old but.......... Geez! I tried so hard to lose weight and be active, this last week I got a little out of control with eating and I couldn't get out of bed, is this my punishment? I do have a plan, I am going to try to avoid all carbohydarates unless they are in fruits and vegetables, and I'm going to try and only eat lean meat, but I'm going to basically sick with fruits and veggies till I get to the doctor, I was supposed to go today but we got hit with an ice storm. Any support , tips, links to websites to help me with this would be great.

Well Danny took us on a trip for Valentines day to the boat, our first stop, the buffett! I only had one plate of food though, it was really rich or something because anywhere else I make 2 or 3 trips, I deffinitly didn't get my moneys worth though. Than I lost $2,000 dollars! After that I was down right sick! The next day I was still sick but I ate a big breakfast and than I got sicker. We went back to the boat and lost some more money. Danny got hungry so even though I wasn't we went to eat. I didn't eat too much. Than we went back to the hotel and stayed in the pool all evening. I got up in the middle of the night really sick and so did he. This mornring we had another big breakfast and came home and weighed in, I cost myself 4 pounds this weekend. I was going to go workout today but I am sooo tired.

Well, I'm not going to get to excited but I weighed in this morning at 138! I was really hoping to be 135 by tomorrow but atleast I'm losing, slowly but surely! About 1 pound a week. 138 is where I got stuck last time so I'm really eager to get below it. I was really scared the beginning of last week when those pounds poured on for no reason but everyone was right, it came back off! Yesterday after my workout I was so hungry and had to go to the store so I got one of those protein bars and it worked, Filled me up quick, felt like I ate lead! I didn't taste bad though, except the after taste wasn't so great. I think I'm going to buy a box though for when I get in a snag like that again! Good Luck Everyone!

Well, it was touch and go for me for a few days last week but I am a woman on a mission. I didn't make it to the gym Sunday like I had hoped, but I went yesterday and I stayed on the elliptical for a whole hour! Yesterday I burned 1,100 calories, more calories than I ate! Today I went back but I could barely move, I still managed to burn 500 calories! I think I might have over did it so I had to leave and call it a day. I think I might take it easy tomorrow. Maybe, Thursday I'll go back. I don't know how the contestants on the show take beating, after beating, day after day. Today my body just totally told me, I have had enough, I am done! I didn't get a chance to officially weigh in today but I will first thing in the morning, I think it will go pretty good! Well, I'll let you all know!

First of all I would like to thank you all for your support durring my tough time. I had intended to start from scratch today but I just did not feel like going to the gym. I am a bit under the weather, and that isn't so much the problem, its the medicine I took. It knocked me out, and I stayed in bed so long my body is really sore! I also didn't make it to dance class this weekend like I had hoped and due to Danny and I getting sick we had to come back from our trip early.  I did get my hair done finally though. Anyways, once again, thank you all and good luck this week!

I really hate to be so negative, but do you ever have one of those weeks that you just want to crawl in a hole and die? It seems the harder you try at something, the more it goes wrong? I tried really hard to keep my calories down! I bust my a** at the gym, when I see myself slipping I bust it harder. What do I get in return? My scale going, up, up, and away! I have gained over 3 pounds in 3 days, 2 days of which, I busted my a** at the gym, burning over 900 calories each day! It seems like I get to a point that I'm like "Wow, I'm finally getting somewhere!" than I blow up! Without changing anything! With staying consistent! Anytime I get close, my body takes a detour! I am just so damn mad at myself, at my life, at the world! I'm going out of town this weekend to just get away, hopefully my life will be better when I get back!

Well as much as I wanted to stay home and cry all day about gaining a pound I dragged my a** to the gym for a beating! I burned 950 calories! On the down side I ate 1,300 calories today which is over my calorie range. If you do the math between eating and working out, I had 350 calories. Unfortunately it doesn't work quite that way though. I can't lose weight having 1,200 calories a day. I thought just maybe I'd have some good news when I came home from the gym to my scale though and I didn't, I gained another 2 pounds! I'm not going to freak out till tomorrow though! I just thought if I worked out extra hard I'd beat the scale, instead the opposite happened, the scale beat me!

I weighed in today and I gained a pound! I was really looking forward to seeing 138 today, instead it was 141. I am soooooo dissapointed! I work so hard at the gym! I try really hard to eat right. Last night I had hot wings but I counted in my calorie allowance and I didn't go over, I just don't get it! I don't even deserve my Ipod anymore! I hate this soooo much! Why can't I just be skinny? Why can't I lose the weight? I am totally heartbroke!Life just isn't fair sometimes! I hate to be soooo negative but I just can't help it!

Well my bad choices cost me a 2 pounds! No more Pizza! ON the brighter side, I kept my word! Today I stayed well within my calorie range and I gave myself a 900 calorie beating at the gym! My knee did ok, its still sore but I didn't hurt it anymore by working out. I got to use my Ipod for the first time today, I really expected it to make my workout more fun and go alot easier, really get my adreneline pumping but it didn't so much. I mean its nice to have but its not what all I thought it would be, I guess I expected too much out of it. I'm going back to dance class next week, I really wish I hadn't injured my knee, I just hope I do ok. I hope I don't get dizzy and light headed like I have been. I miss dancing so much. I'm going to try practicing a little tomorrow maybe.

Yesterday and today I made a series of bad choices. It all started with the ham and eggs, which ended up not being bad at all, even with going out to suprize dinner I accomidated myself and stayed in my calorie range, That is if you don't count all the alcohol I drank. So theres bad choice number 1, alcohol and dieting don't mix. Suprisingly enough though I weighed myself this morning and I lost a pound. I was actually feeling pretty good this morning so I went on a cleaning spree and I had a good breakfast. But than came dinner, bad choice number 2, pizza! I started out with a gigantic salad which was good but than I went on to eat 6 or more peices of pizza, not good! Tomorrow I am going to make better choices and I'm going to the gym for a beating! I also fell and injured my knee last night too though and I am in alot of pain, I'm not too sure how that will affect my beating, but I am really going to push myself!

Danny decided to make breakfast this morning, fried eggs and ham! I decided I didn't want any untill it was almost done and I could smell it! Danny told me to make myself some veggies. I went in the bedroom threw myself on the bed and started crying. I did want the eggs and ham, it smelled so good. Its just not fair that he can eat that kind of stuff and I can't. He felt bad and gave me some of his eggs and ham, but that didn't make me feel any better, and all I could taste was grease. So than I was discusted with myself for eating it. Worst yet after I ate it he told me he was taking me out for dinner and its a suprise where we're going! Hope they have salad!

Today I stayed in my calorie range even though I made a not so healthy dinner. I only ate a little bit. And it was 30F out and I made myself take a walk. I've only lost 5 pounds since the begining of the competition which is a little disheartening considering the pounds everone else is dropping but I went ahaed and got my reward. An Ipod, I really just wanted a cheap one but Danny got me the expensive one. I really feel bad about it becuse I don't think I really deserved a cheap one, let alone an expensive one. I am really going to keep trying hard though.